Love and Pain
by buffyandspike-4ever
Summary: Twoshot about Chris's feelings after his beloved dies.
1. Chapter 1

Christopher Perry Halliwell sat atop the Golden Gate Bridge. It was midnight on a chilly February morning. The temperature was at least 10 below freezing and Chris was wearing only a light jacket over his t-shirt. But he didn't care, he couldn't feel the cold. He couldn't feel anything, anymore. He was completely numb, inside and out.

A tear slipped down his cheek and immediately froze as he thought about the events of the past few days. He brushed the salty icy off his frozen cheek and sighed a puff of white breath.

He couldn't truly believe that she was gone. He was nothing without her. He couldn't live without her, and yet he was forced to by some cruel twist of fate. Her death had sent him spiraling downward on a path he could never return.

_I tried to kill the pain  
but only brought more  
I lay dying  
and I'm pouring crimson regret and betrayal  
I'm dying, praying, bleeding and screaming  
am I too lost to be saved  
am I too lost? _

Chris honestly didn't even recognize himself anymore. Some of the things he had done these last few days since her death, he couldn't even fathom having done them if she had lived. The past five days he had practically lived in the underworld, vanquishing demons and attempting to relieve his grief by inflicting pain. But he couldn't do it anymore. He couldn't take the pain.

_My God my tourniquet  
return to me salvation  
my God my tourniquet  
return to me salvation_

And it was with this revelation that he found himself where he was, sitting on the Bridge in this cold weather. Images and memories of his beloved kept flashing threw his head. It was driving him insane.

_Do you remember me  
lost for so long  
will you be on the other side  
or will you forget me  
I'm dying, praying, bleeding and screaming  
am I too lost to be saved  
am I too lost?_

He missed her, god, he missed her so much. He couldn't take this. He couldn't sit here thinking about her, remembering her and knowing that he would be forever without her. He couldn't live like this.

Chris suddenly disappeared in a swirl of white and blue orbs. He reappeared in the bathroom of his apartment. In the heat of the room he warmed up almost instantly. Tears began to pour from his eyes as he violently turned the hot water on in the tub.

He rummaged around in the drawer and pulled out a few black cinnamon candles. He placed them around the white in the shape of a pentagram. Going back through the drawer he pulled out a lighter and set the wicks aflame, turning off the bathroom light as he did.

_My God, my tourniquet  
Return to me salvation  
My God, my tourniquet  
Return to me salvation  
Return to me salvation _

I want to die

He turned the water in the tub off as it had reached almost the top. Chris removed his clothing, all but his boxers and slowly lowered himself into the tub. More tears slipped down his face as he raised the second object that he had removed from the drawer.

The silver of the razor blade glittered in the candlelight, looking a lot more innocent than it truly was. Bracing himself for the pain, he brought the razor blade down and gasped as it tore into the flesh of his wrists.

_My God, my tourniquet  
Return to me salvation  
My God, my tourniquet  
Return to me salvation_

The more blood that flowed freely from his wounded wrists, the weaker he became. And the weaker he became the more his guard went down and he began to truly remember her, think about her. His last conscious thought was that her hoped she could forgive him for this. His beloved, Elizabeth.

_My wounds cry for the grave  
My soul cries for deliverance  
Will I be denied Christ? Christ?  
Tourniquet  
My suicide_

**A/N: This was meant to be a one-shot, but if anyone wants me to continue I have some ideas. Just review and let me know.**


	2. Chapter 2

**A/N: This was originally meant to be a one-shot, but after some thought and a few reviews, I decided to try my hand at making it a story.**

Piper Halliwell knocked on her son's apartment door. No answer. She'd been knocking for a while. She eventually got tired of waiting and just blasted the lock, opening the door. She expected Chris to come running, to yell at her for breaking his door or invading his privacy.

She couldn't fathom why her son didn't understand that she was just worried about him. She hadn't seen him in over 3 days, and after everything that happened with Elizabeth, well needless to say she was twice as worried.

Walking carefully down the hall, she checked every room for Chris. Just when she was about to give up, she heard a gasp from the bathroom. Cautiously, Piper walked toward the bathroom door. When she opened the door and looked in, she screamed.

Chris was lying in a tub of rapidly reddening water half naked and unconscious. Piper screamed again and rushed toward her son. She pulled him out of the tub and onto the bathroom floor. Tears were streaming down her face as she realized that he had slit his wrists.

"Leo! Wyatt! Paige! Someone!" Piper screamed. About three seconds later, Leo, Wyatt, Paige, and Phoebe orbed in.

"Piper wha—" Paige began, but gasped as she saw Chris.

"Leo, Wyatt, heal him," Piper chocked out between sobs. Leo and Wyatt just stood there, shocked beyond belief. "Heal him!"

Leo and Wyatt shook out of their daze and kneeled down beside Chris. They extended their hands over Chris's wrist wounds and they began to glow.

"What's taking so long?" Piper shouted. Phoebe and Paige kneeled down behind Piper and pulled her into a sisterly embrace.

"It's not working Piper," Leo said. "We can't heal the dead." Tears began streaming down his and Wyatt's face.

"No," Piper shouted. "You heal him! Heal him!"

Leo stood up and tried to pull Piper into a hug. "I-I'm sorry."

Piper began to slap him on the chest. "Heal him!" she sobbed.

Unbeknownst to anyone in the room, Chris's spirit slowly floated out of his body and towards the ceiling.

Chris looked around. He was surrounded by golden light. He didn't think he was in heaven. Where was his G

* * *

rams? "Chris?" Chris turned at the sound of a voice and gasped at what he saw. _She _was standing there, her golden hair flowing down her shoulders. She wore the light pink gown that she had been killed in. She was more beautiful than ever with the golden light outlining her.

"Elizabeth?" he murmured.

"Chris," Elizabeth smiled.

"Liz, what are you doing here?" Chris asked.

"I'm here to send you back," Elizabeth said.

"Send me back? No, I want to stay. I want to be with you," Chris pleaded.

"You can't. Your place is down there. With your family. One day, Christopher, we will be together again, but not now. Now you must go back," Elizabeth said.

"I can't. I'm dead," Chris reminded her.

"I can heal you. Come here." She held her hands out to him.

"Please let me stay," Chris pleaded again.

"No, you mustn't. Please Chris," she gave him that pout that he could never resist.

"Alright, but I'll miss you. God I'll miss you so much," Chris sobbed.

"I love you Chris, remember that." And with that she waved her hands out in front of her and he slowly sank back into life.

* * *

_Hold on to me love  
you know I can't stay long  
all I wanted to say was I love you and I'm not afraid  
Can you hear me?  
Can you feel me in your arms?_

Piper was crying into Leo's arms. They were still in the bathroom. No one had moved yet, they were too shocked. Suddenly, Phoebe gasped. "Chris, he's breathing. Leo!"

Leo turned around instantly and saw that indeed, Chris was breathing. He kneeled down next to his son and healed his wrists. Chris gasped and sat up slowly. "Mom?" he asked.

She leaned down beside him and suddenly slapped him. "Don't you ever do that again!"

"I saw Liz," Chris whispered.

"Oh honey," Piper pulled him into a hug.

"Mom," Chris whispered and pointed over her shoulder. Everyone turned around and saw a ghostly Elizabeth standing in the corner looking very sad.

_Holding my last breath  
safe inside myself  
are all my thoughts of you  
sweet raptured light it ends here tonight_

She smiled sadly at them and waved a small wave. "I love you," she said.

"Liz?" he mouthed. But she continued before he could actually say anything.

"It wasn't your fault. You need to know that. And whenever you need me, I'll be here, even if you can't see me. I'm always here in your heart. I love you. And someday, we will be together again. But not now. You have so much that you need to do. Don't try this again Chris, because I won't be able to save you next time. I love you. Goodbye…for now," she said in that sweet honey coated voice of hers. And she disappeared.

_I'll miss the winter  
a world of fragile things  
look for me in the white forest  
hiding in a hollow tree (come find me)  
I know you hear me  
I can taste it in your tears _

holding my last breath  
safe inside myself  
are all my thoughts of you  
sweet raptured light it ends here tonight

Chris stared at the spot where his beloved had vanished…and began to cry again. This time his entire family knelt down and hugged him in a giant group hug. They all sat there, on the bathroom floor, crying over the loss of yet another loved one.

_say goodnight  
don't be afraid  
calling me calling me as you fade to black_

_holding my last breath  
safe inside myself  
are all my thoughts of you  
sweet raptured light it ends here tonight_

_

* * *

_

**TBC**

**Please review and let me know what you think. I promise, it won't be this dark the entire fic. Please review.**


	3. Authors Note

**Authors Note ( I know, don't ya just hate 'em?)!**

As you readers know, I have not updated my stories in a while. This is because I have lost inspiration for some, if not most, of them. Also, I believe I have too many stories and so have been overstressed trying to update for all of them. Thus, I will be putting some of my stories up for adoption. To adopt a story, just send me a private message, so that I can check out your other stories and update frequency before I give it to you. Please see below for rules of adoption, and what stories will be up for adoption.

**Rules:**

1. Do not change my original pairings without letting me know first.

2. Please, be certain to credit me on the work that I did.

3. Do not change the name or rating of my story.

4. I would be most grateful if you could take the time to email me a copy of each of your chapters before or after you post it.

**Buffy Stories up for Adoption:**

The Slayer Diaries of India Cohen

Wicked Willow Series (Episode 1 already complete)

**Chamed Stories:**

Is It Really Better To Have Loved And Lost

Daughter of Two Pipers

Memories of Christopher Perry

The Witch Who Came In From The Rayne

True Love

**If you want any of these stories please email me and let me know. Limit of 2 stories per person.**


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